Exploring the Lifestyle

The word Lifestyle has a way of making people lean closer.

It can mean different things to different people, which is partly why the subject becomes so interesting and so easily misunderstood. For some, it means swinging. For others, an open relationship, BDSM, kink, fetish or simply the freedom to question the assumptions they inherited about sex and relationships.

There is no single entrance.

And thankfully, no compulsory tour.

The modern conversation around intimacy has become considerably more interesting than the old argument about whether people are “normal.” Normal has always been a rather dull standard for desire. What matters more is whether something is wanted, understood and freely chosen by the people involved.

That is where the lifestyle begins.

Not with a party.

Not with a costume.

Not with somebody else's fantasy.

With a conversation.

What are you curious about?

What are you comfortable with?

What would you never want?

What sounds interesting in theory but makes you hesitate when you imagine it becoming real?

Those questions can tell you more than any glossary ever will.

The different worlds within the Lifestyle are often grouped together, although they are not the same thing. Swinging tends to involve couples or individuals exploring sexual experiences with others. Open relationships allow negotiated forms of intimacy outside a primary relationship. Polyamory may involve multiple romantic connections. BDSM explores negotiated power, sensation and roles. Kink and fetish stretch into an even wider landscape of preference and imagination.

The categories are useful.

They are not prisons.

You do not need to identify with a label before you are allowed to be curious about it.

This matters in Kenya, where private life and public identity can sit rather uncomfortably close together. Nairobi is cosmopolitan, curious and increasingly connected, but it is also a city where family, religion, work, friendship and reputation overlap. People can be remarkably open in private and remarkably careful in public.

That is not necessarily hypocrisy.

Sometimes it is simply discretion.

And discretion has always been part of sophisticated social life.

The Lifestyle also asks something rather grown-up of its participants: know where your boundaries end.

A room filled with adventurous people does not mean everyone in it is available. A flirtation is not an invitation. Someone else's confidence is not permission. A previous yes does not eliminate the possibility of a later no.

Good manners survive every kind of social experiment.

Perhaps that is why the most interesting part of the Lifestyle is not the spectacle people imagine from the outside.

It is the negotiation.

The ability to talk honestly about desire without turning it into an obligation. To admit jealousy without embarrassment. To change your mind without apologising for having been curious. To discover that something is not for you and leave the experience with your dignity — and perhaps your curiosity — perfectly intact.

Some people will want more.

Some will want less.

Some will spend years exploring.

Others will discover that the fantasy was enough.

All of it belongs to the conversation.

The Lifestyle is not a checklist of things you must experience to prove that you are liberated.

It is simply another way of asking a very old question:

What do I actually want, when nobody is telling me what I should want?

That is a rather good place to begin.